My Daddy's Rich and Your Daddy's Dead
by FatGirlSlim
Summary: Harry reads twilight, and is looking for an Edward Cullen of his own. What happens when Draco dresses up as Edward for a themed ball. *Warning: not to be taken seriously, extremely OOC, and excessive twilight bashing* CRACKFIC


My Daddy's Rich and Your Daddy's Dead

Summary: Harry reads twilight, and is looking for an Edward Cullen of his own. What happens when Draco dresses up as Edward for a themed ball. *Warning: not to be taken seriously, extremely OOC, and excessive twilight bashing*

WARNING:

This is a parody. By no means should it be taken seriously.

DISCLAIMER: we don't own HP or Twitlight. Song title taken from Draco and The Malfoy's song, 'My Dad Is Rich'

Harry anxiously turned the page of the book. He needed to know what happened next. Ever since Ginny (his girlfriend) introduced him to the Twilight series he hadn't been able to put them down. He was now on the third book and was absolutely addicted. He would never admit it, but he too, like the whiny heroine Bella Swan was also looking for an Edward Cullen of his own. Oh, how he longed to have someone watch him sleep. And how he ached to run his long, slender fingers through that "tousled bronze hair".

Wait a minute, Ron's hair was definitely close to bronze. He tiptoed across to his best friend's bed, his fingers already reaching out. Breathlessly, he ran his fingers across that flaming orange main, just to have his hand immediately shrugged off.

"Blimey harry, are you bonkers?" *insert british accent*

He started to stutter, then ramble, and then mumbled incoherently.

"uhh. Yeah. Umm. Well…-I had a NIGHTMARE."

Ron raised his eyebrows in suspicion.

"Sorry Harry. I'm not cuddling you nor am I going to sing you a lullaby. Go find my sister, wait, if I'm not wrong, YOUR GIRLFRIEND."

Harry sighed deeply as he watched Ron give him the cold shoulder. He wished he had the gift of chuckling darkly as Edward Cullen frequently did in the books Harry oh-so-adored. Seriously, how was he going to find someone with yellow eyes in Hogwarts?

He got out of bed not even bothering to shower because JK Rowling never mentioned there were showers in the Gryffindor dormitory. Harry hustled over to the Great hall, and sat next to his girlfriend Ginny, looking deeply into her hazel eyes. Something enraged him from deep inside. He had to dump her, from her lack of yellowness of her orbs. She may have been pale. Score. Redheaded. Score. But HAZEL EYES? Nope. MAJOR TURN-OFF.

After all, girls with non-yellow eyes were unattractive. Not even that, simply GHASTLY. *ginny tone when she saw ron's dress robes in harry potter 4*

"Attention Students," Dumbledore exclaimed in an America accent while waving a sock in the air.

The students remained silent. "GUESS WHAT STUDENTS. I HAVE OVERCOME THE GAYNESS THAT HAD ENSHROUDED MY PAST, AND MIND YOU, IT WAS DEFINITELY HAD SURPASSED THE ULTIMATE GAY LORD, TIM GUNN. AS A MATTER OF FACT, I AM GETTING MARRIED NEXT WEEK! TO NONE OTHER THAN YOUR TRANSFIGURATIONS PROFFSSOR, MY DEAR MINERVA!

He expected a loud applause but instead was at the receiving end of several loud boos. Well, at least wolf whistle from the Weasley twins.

"If everyone shuts their PIE HOLE, Severus Snape has given me a solemn oath that he will come forth the entire student body and the teaching staff during the feast, in a FLOURESCENT GREEN MANKINI." (look it up, y'all.)

Immediately, the entire school was listening intently. Satisfied with himself he thought.

'We do have a vast amount of desperate teenagers in the house, don't we."

"Now, as I was saying," Dumbly-dorr continued, "We will have a ball next Saturday, which will incidentally be the day Severus shows up in his glorious mankini. The theme is to dress up as your favourite muggle book character."

Immediately, the students perked up. Harry especially was ecstatic. This was the perfect chance. He would dress up as Bella Swan. All he needed was an unattractive brown wig and he would look exactly like her.

Soon, a week had already gone by. It was time for the dance. Harry sat jealously as he watched Ron and Hermione (dressed up as his own parents Lily and James) trying to recreate the scene when he was conceived. He resisted throwing up his dinner right then and there.

Wait a minute. He couldn't have imagined it. There infront of him, was a man with hair the perfect shade of bronze. It couldn't be. There was Edward. And He was Bella. It was perfect.

He walked past Dumbledore who was dressed up as Winnie the Pooh and tapped 'Edward' on the shoulder. He was about 6 feet taller than him (Harry himself was five foot five, the exact height of Bella Swan)

The world seemed to slow down as the boy dressed as Edward spun around to face Harry. It was none other than Draco Malfoy, Harry's archenemy.

"Potter? _You're _Bella. You're dressed as a woman? Always knew you were a bit strange but I never knew when I thought you had aspirations to join the female race I was actually right.

"No, Malfoy, wait!" Harry shouted after him.

With one long stride, he closed the distance between them and placed his lips on Malfoy's. He may have looked like Edward but his lips weren't as cold as ice as Harry had imagined them to be.

"Are you quite finished Potter?" Malfoy asked with a smirk on his ridiculously handsome face.

"Uhh…i'm sorry. You're not Edward."

"Of course I'm not you arse. I'm only dressed like him. You should know better than to believe stupid _muggle _romance novels."

"Ohh..uhh, sorry then."

Harry was left alone at the staircase with his brown wig on the floor. His eyes welled up with tears. Stupid Stephanie Meyer. That bloody woman had ruined everything for him. Harry ran of crying and drowned himself in the black lake.

Moral of the story: Do not believe stupid teenage (shitty) vampire romance novels. Never follow unrealistic strandards set by some random (desperate) housewife. There is a fine line between fictional men and real men. REAL MEN DO NOT SPARKLE IN SUNLIGHT. NOR ARE THEY COLD BLOODED. 107 YEAR OLD VIRGINS OR YELLOW EYED.

And FYI. We have NOTHING against the gay population As a matter of fact, every single girl on earth wants a gay best friend, the only exception being Edward Cullen.

And FYI (I promise, this is the last one), we were really high on sugar on my friend's birthday sleepover, and of course, the overflowing sexiness of Tom Felton and the dude who plays Tom Riddle in the second movie. :D

Loveyou xx


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